so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
