I think im going to throw up on grandma
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
