I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
