I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize