Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
