I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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