I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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