I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
