ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
