She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
