Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
