Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
