How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
