I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
