They should really pass out barf bags in church
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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