why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
