you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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