mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize