Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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