Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
