Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
