I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I touched a dick in church today
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
