I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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