I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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