Tell her she can't have a vagina
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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