best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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