I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
