I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
