they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
