Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
