Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize