I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
