remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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