Cold hands, warm shart.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
