And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
