She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I would ride that face into the sunset
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
