Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
