if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
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