My friends, they love my intelligence
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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