I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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