yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize