he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
