i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize