Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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