Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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