I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I have already put on my inside pants.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
