im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
