the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
