My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
