Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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