omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
