apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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