And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just threw up on my dentist
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
