Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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