I like to think it a success when the cops are called
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize