You can't motorboat a personality
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
