GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
