So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
