Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
