if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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