meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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