On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
