I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
