I want to stick my p in your. b.
I just saw a hot homeless man
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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