She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
