Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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