Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
