4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
