Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
