I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
