those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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