apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
