She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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